In my experience, whether by talking to the thousands of people that I’ve talked to, or by reading all the many thousands of emails people have sent me, I’ve noted several mistakes that supporters make in coping with a loved one who has bipolar disorder. In this article, I’ll just go over the top ten.
1. Being in denial.
Being in denial is the biggest mistake that supporters make because it will cause you to miss the signs/symptoms of your loved one going into a bipolar episode. It’s so important, first of all, that you know all the signs/symptoms of an episode, so that you can recognize when your loved one is heading for one. That takes education on your part. That’s the easy part. But recognizing them may be a little harder, and takes more work on your part, because sometimes it’s hard to tell the difference between which is the disorder and which is your loved one. However, if you’re in denial, it won’t help either way.
2. Taking things personally.
NEVER take things that your loved one says or does personally! They will say or do things in an episode to hurt you that they might never otherwise say, but chances are, they won’t even remember it afterwards. And if you take it personally, you will be the one left with hard feelings, while they won’t even know what they’ve done to hurt you. Your loved one may not be in control of what they say or do, but you can be in control of your own feelings. So don’t take it personally, no matter how much or how loud they are yelling at you.
3. Not taking action.
You know I talk about this all the time, because taking action can mean the difference between your loved one having an episode or not having one. If you’ve noticed the signs/symptoms, but don’t do anything about it because you’re scared of a confrontation, for example, you’re only setting them up for an episode. Maybe talking with them didn’t help last time, but at least try - maybe this time it will work. Or, if they won’t listen to you, call their psychiatrist and tell him what’s going on, so he can advise you what to do. Either way, take action!
4. Being reactive instead of proactive.
The difference between being reactive instead of being proactive is in taking action. People who are reactive are not particularly good at taking charge of themselves and their own lives - which they tend to spend reacting to events, circumstances, and situations around them instead of shaping and creating them, which is what a proactive person would do. Someone who takes action is proactive. Your being proactive can mean the difference for your loved one between whether they have an episode or not.
5. Procrastinating
All of us procrastinate at some time or another, some over little things, and others over big things. But if you procrastinate over something to do with your loved one’s bipolar disorder, it could mean them going into an episode. For example, if you’ve noticed they’ve seemed a little “down” lately and sleeping more than usual, well, that’s two of the biggest symptoms of a depressive episode. But if you’ve been busy, and you haven’t had time to talk to them about it, well, you are procrastinating, and the next thing you know, you have a major depressive episode on your hands. Use some time management skills and don’t let this happen to you.
6. Becoming too complacent
Perhaps it’s been a long time between episodes…say, your loved one has been stable for a long time - so long, in fact, that you’ve become complacent. If so, you are in a very dangerous place. It’s not a matter of if they will go into another episode, but a matter of when. It doesn’t matter how long they’ve been stable. At some point, they will have another episode, and if you’ve let your guard down and become too complacent, you won’t be prepared. I know someone who didn’t have an episode for 12 years, but then she had a major manic episode, and her family was not prepared for it at all! They had become complacent and thought just because she hadn’t had an episode for 12 years that she would never have one again! Don’t let yourself fall into that trap. Always be prepared for the next episode, whenever it comes.
7. Believing this will all “blow over” or get “fixed” by itself
This kind of goes along with complacency and denial as well. It’s like you turn your head the other way and pretend that everything is fine, and that your loved one will get better all by themselves. You ignore what is staring you right in the face. I know, because that’s what we did with my mom for so many years. It didn’t work for us, and it won’t work for you. Your loved one’s bipolar disorder will NOT blow over or get fixed by itself - it will take lots of hard work on both your parts - and a good treatment program, including medication and therapy, along with time. Believing it will all go away magically by itself, with no work on your parts, is going right back to mistake #1 - denial.
8. Not taking care of yourself
If you don’t take care of yourself, how are you going to take care of your loved one? Yet that’s the very mistake that many supporters make. They put so much time and energy into their loved one and their bipolar disorder, that there’s nothing left over for themselves. And that is the recipe for burn-out. You must take care of yourself - meet your own needs - first. Make sure you are getting enough sleep, eating right, exercising, etc. Also make sure you are scheduling time for your own relaxation, as well as some fun time (off-time) away from your loved one.
9. Accepting unacceptable behavior
This is one of the biggest problem areas I’ve seen with supporters. They let their loved one’s bipolar disorder be an excuse for their unacceptable behavior. This includes abusive behavior - anything from emotional abuse (just yelling at you) to physical abuse (actually hurting you). Just because your loved one has bipolar disorder does NOT give them license to hurt you! You DO NOT have to stand for unacceptable behavior. Talk to your loved one between episodes about their behavior. Set standards. Set limits. Set boundaries. Tell them that you will not tolerate their unacceptable behavior. Tell them that you will not allow them to cross certain lines, or you will do something about it. Then follow through.
10. Being an enabler (codependent)
Sometimes a supporter can become so engrossed in their loved one’s bipolar disorder that it’s almost like they “catch” it, like the common cold - they get so drawn up into it that bipolar disorder seems to rule their lives, and the line of separation between them and their loved one becomes blurred. Be careful of this, as this is called codependency, and you don’t want it to happen to you. What you want is for your loved one to take responsibility for their OWN behavior, just as you take responsibility for yours. This is where bipolar disorder is no longer an excuse for them for anything. This is where you stop helping them do things that they can very well do for themselves. This is where you have your OWN life, separate from theirs.